The machines are taking over! Or are they . . . yes they are.

So, I was at Sherway Gardens today. For those of you who aren't from Toronto, Sherway is probably one of the classiest malls in the country. They have leather club chairs where most malls have those wooden benches, or worse. Anyway, I went to the food court and got some Arby's* (They may be classy, but not too classy to have an Arby's), which was good. All through my meal I kept hearing this intermittent mechanical hum, I wasn't quite sure what it was. When I was finished eating I put my garbage in the garbage can. Then the garbage can starts talking to me - "Thank you for shopping at Sherway Gardens" or something like that, I don't remember exactly what it said because I was still in shock. After I threw out my food, the garbage can made a sort of whirring sound. I can only assume it was compacting the garbage. The automatic compacting garbage can seems like a good idea, but does it have to talk to me. I was with my buddy Chuck at the time, and he happened to be using an adjacent garbage can. I looked over at him and he had the same look of awe/disgust on his face that I can only assume I had. Is this what the world has come to? Talking garbage cans? Throwing out garbage is one of those tasks that you just want to do quickly and get it over with. You don't want some machine thanking you for using it. It's kind of like when guys use a public** washroom, it's all business - no talking, just get in, take care of business, and get out. If anyone talks to you, you almost feel violated. That's how I felt when the garbage can talked to me, violated. It was almost like getting my personal space raped. I don't know if anyone else out there has experienced this kind of thing, but if you have I'm sure you can relate. And if you happen to be shopping at Sherway, check out the talking garbage cans***, but be warned - You will be violated, and not in a good way.

I'm going to go take a few showers now because I still feel dirty
Junk

*kudos if you get this reference
**this is almost as wrong as this
***I don't want any comments about how R2-D2 doesn't actually talk, just accept the joke for what it is



By the way, I always wanted to know how to tie a bow tie - now my blog is educational!

Working Soooo Hard (wink)

I'm sitting on a really nice leather couch in a studio near Rochester, New York as I write this. Daniel Welch, a singer/songrwiter that I'm working with right now is laying down some organ tracks on what will hopefully become a single. The King of Tone and Brad have left already, but I decided to stick around until Monday (and do some Christmas shopping) and just hang out in the studio while Dan adds some more tracks. Also, I'd get home really late (to an empty apartment no less), so I may as well just stick around. Any musician/gearheads that are reading this can appreciate that I'm enjoying just sitting here watching the computer screen. Mike, the engineer on this project is really good, so it's facinating to watch him manipulate all the comtrols and all the crap that's going on, on the computer screen. Well that's all I've got for now, hopefully my next post will have a new conspiracy theory or something that will make you chuckle.


Here is a picture of the most Phallic building in Rochester. It's pretty good, but Toronto's wang is bigger

Keep your eye on left field that's where all the weirdest stuff comes from
Joel

Have you ever noticed that the people who always win hotdog eating contests are not the bloated, greasy, amorphous blobs that we usually associate with eating contests? The winners are more often that not, quite skinny. The most well known example of this is of course the legendary Takeru Kobayashi, whose name is almost a household word by know. Takeru Kobayashi has become synonymous with hotdogs ever since he started dominating the world of competitive eating. Think about it, how many times have you been at the deli when someone brings up a story about the famed Kobayashi? I know it happens to me on a regular basis, usually resulting in a heated debate on whether or not he could out-eat superman. I think he could, but only by a slim margin. Sure Superman probably has the gastrointestinal fortitude to compress 50 hotdogs into a quantum singularity, or if not that, at least into a ball close to the density of a neutron star, but Kobayashi has style. I mean look at that bandana. If superman tried to pull off a look like that, he'd be laughed right out of the superpeople's union, then he'd have to do all the mundane jobs that unionized superheros don't have to do because of the union reg's. Also I hear the superhero's union has great dental. So now superman has to start charging people when he saves them in order to pay for his kid's braces.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this

You can't?

What I'm trying to say is that more people (except Superman of course) should be wearing bandanas. If Kobayashi can pull it off why can't you, and more importantly, why haven't you tried already. It almost angers me to think of how many people could be enjoying bandanas but aren't, simply because they haven't thought of it.

here are some people that enjoy bandanas

- The Karate Kid

- bikers (some of them even have leather bandanas)

- The Bloods and the Cripps

- Axel Rose

- some guy's golden labrador that I saw in the park

- most gangsta rappers


I just realized I'm typing this while on T-3's I'm not even going to read it over, I'm just going to post it and hope for the best.

This has been Joel's 'stream of thought' writing experiment while on pain killers

Chuck Norris - Demigod?

The purpose if this post is to introduce you to some little known facts about Chuck Norris. It is already well known that Mr. Norris has skills beyond those of mere mortals, but these facts will remove all doubt of his superiority.

Also I don't feel like typing up an enitre post today, so this is a substitute.

Click here

The amazing thing about this is that Tomtastic turned me on to this web page via a comment on my last post literally in the same minute that my friend La-Nai told me to check it out. I think Chuck Norris was somehow compelling me to learn more about his awesomeness.

P.S. I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday, I should have just gotten Chuck Norris to remove them with a precision roundhouse kick. It would have been much more accurate

This Will Happen

This is the scene of our impending doom, as I described it last week. This picture was digitally extracted from my mind using technology*.
Note the destruction - do you see it? - destruction?









*This technology does not actually exist

Death from slightly above

Anyone who has driven north from Shelburne recently probably has noticed the huge windmills looming ominously over the countryside. At first I thought they were cool, and they are definitely better than burning coal. But soon I got to thinking, maybe there's another, more sinister reason for them to be there. I watched war of the worlds recently; there is a scene where you see dozens of these large three legged machines razing a city. There is an obvious physical resemblance between these three legged machines and the three bladed windmills. Now, I'm not saying that someday these windmills are going to rise up against humanity. . . or am I?
Imagine the damage they could do.

The attack would start when the windmills engage the rockets that are obviously hidden in the towers, and the windmills (hereafter referred to as Deathmills) would cruise around wiping out entire towns in a matter of minutes. The razor sharp blades would not only slice apart anything unlucky enough to be caught in their way, but when the deathmill redirects power to spin its blades, it could blow down all but the strongest of buildings. These blades are huge people! Here is a picture to give you an idea of the scale.
There are thousands of these thing all over the world, they could easily pacify even the most powerful army.

That's not even the scariest part.

The deathmills are all controlled by a secret underground organization run by an evil triumvirate of these three people 1,2,3.
Jimmy Carter seems so non-threatening, but I think he's got something to hide. We would be helpless against the combined powers and phat rhymes of the triumvirate.

Within 12 hours the world would be in a panic, most of the major power generating stations would be off-line due to the enormous power surge the deathmills would create just before the attack. FEMA would kick into high gear, making a terrible disaster . . . at least no worse than it is already.

24 hours into the attack most of the worlds major cities will have fallen, except Ottawa because the attackers will assume that Toronto is the Canadian capitol. Governments will become disorganized (wink). and there will be pandemonium in the streets.

By 36 hours into the attack most people in major population centers will be dead and the deathmills will start sweeping the globe to destroy the remaining people that have managed, up until this point, to escape detection. After a short sweep the deathmills will congregate in about 50 different locations around the globe and use their wind generating abilities to blow the warmer air near the surface into the upper atmosphere creating devastating storms, which would paralyze the remaining human resistance to the machines.

By 48 hours into the attack all hope would be lost were it not for a unlikely band of demographically diverse teenagers who accidentally stumble upon the machines one and only weakness. Which coincidentally has also been known to defeat Pterodactyls.

The world will be safe from attack for the time being, but the damage will already have been done. The earth will need to be repopulated (the teenagers should have no problem with that), and primitive societies will rise and fall as humans begin to spread once again over the face of the earth.

These events may seem like the ramblings of an idiot to many people, but when the attack comes will you be ready?