Junk in the Trunk (and in my head)

I Guess I Need A Title

2006-12-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

Lunch is the most difficult meal. It seems like it's always more trouble than it's worth.

Breakfast is a much more obvious meal; I never have a problem knowing what to do for breakfast. It's a no brainer to pour a bowl of cereal or fry up some eggs, or just a simple piece of toast. Not that there aren't more options, but somehow breakfast just seems more simple.

Dinner is probably the most complex meal of the day, and this is probably what makes it easier than lunch. This seems kind of like a paradox, but it's true. Dinner has more ritual attached to it than lunch does, which seems to make the extra effort more worthwhile. It's not as big of a deal to spend an hour making dinner if you know that you're going to sit down and eat, and probably spend a good deal of time at the table even after the meal discussing important things like politics, sports, and . . uh . . . what bark is made of. Another big part of dinner is the creative process. If you have a special meal that you like to make it tends to be saved for dinner. The creation of dinner is as much a part of the meal as the eating of it.

Lunch, on the other hand is often rushed. If you're working it's usually either something you packed in the morning, or some sort of fast food or cafeteria food. If you're at home, it hardly seems worth the effort to make something complex because you already have something good planned for dinner. The result is that you usually end up throwing a sandwich together (don't get me wrong, I love sandwiches) or sticking some leftovers in the microwave. There is no ritual, not much creation; it's just about getting something decent into you in a fairly efficient way so you can get on with the day

That is why lunch is difficult for me.

Long Live Magnetic Tape!

2006-11-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ever since CDs appeared on the scene there have been hardcore vinyl enthusiasts (snobs) who refuse to listen to any music that has been digitally encoded rather than scribed mechanically on a rotating chunk of plastic. The usual reason for this is that vinyl sounds warmer. On this point I do tend to agree; I like listening to records as much as the next guy, but they're very difficult to play in my car.

Recently I've been thinking about this concept of a 'warmer' sound, and I've decided to apply it to my movie collection. If an older recording technology can produce a warmer sound, then the same must be true for visual media.

I've decided to Switch back to VHS.

The first step will be to buy some really expensive VHS gear. I'm thinking of something with a billet aluminum chassis to give all the components stability. Of course it would have to have vibration eliminating dampers instead of the usual rubber feet. The traditional 4 head VCR won't be enough. I'll need a 9 head VCR, I'm not sure what the other 5 heads are for, but I'm sure the extra expense will be worth it. The play heads, of course, will be made of solid gold because of it's greater conductive properties.

The most difficult part will be finding copies of all my movies on VHS. I guess I'll have to scour garage sales and vintage stores to find everything. The VHS revival hasn't quite caught on like vinyl has, so it may be more difficult. For now I'll just have to make do watching my old copies of Home Alone and . . . Home Alone 2.

The old movies have more soul anyways.

The Surreal life

2006-10-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today as I was driving home on the 427 I noticed a strange phenomenon. There was a cabin cruizer floating across the Burnhamthorpe overpass.

Well, that's what it looked like anyway. I'm assuming it was on a trailer that was being towed by a pickup truck. From my position I couldn't see the truck over the guardrail so it just looked like the boat was driving arcoss the overpass by itself.

It was kind of a surreal moment.

'The cars on the freeway are moving like slugs'

2006-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Living in Toronto four days a week, I am periodically stuck in traffic. Over time I have come up with various things to keep me occupied while I'm waiting for traffic to start moving again. Here they are in no particular order:

1) Stare at the person beside you, then quickly look away. Do this repeatedly.

2) Get out of you car and pretend to urinate in the gas tank - have a sticker that says 'urine powered vehicle'.

3) Make the 'roll down the window' motion to the person beside you. When they roll down the window look like you're about to say something, then make the 'who farted?' face and quickly roll the window back up.

4) Purposely stall you car then get out and go all Benny Hinn on it, and hit it with your jacket , then have your passenger discretely fire it up again.

5) When your car isn't moving look really anxious to get going - try to lean forward and look really stressed; then when traffic starts moving, look indifferent and don't go until people start honking.

6) Pick your nose.

7) Crank up the baseball game and start headbanging to the commentary.

8) Periodically put your car in reverse.

9) For a challenge, see if you can get your car sideways in your lane. For slightly less of a challenge, try the same thing in a smart car.

10) Pick your nose again.

Well, those are the ones I have come up with. I would be curious to hear other people's ideas. Especially Chuck, as he spends much of his day in traffic. Hmmmmm . . .

It's a Bee!

2006-10-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's a boat

"Who's the old man?"
"That's my old man"

Jiggers! It's the Fuzz!

2006-10-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, driving down highway six at about 1:00am, minding my own business, when I notice dome distant headlights on the horizon. Now, when I'm driving at night and I see distant headlights there is always a chance that it is a cop, so I checked my speed "whoops too fast - meh, it's probably not a cop"

Hmmmm, I was wrong. I noticed that as I passed thee car is started to slow down, leading me to believe that it was indeed a cop. I also noticed that it had a light bar on the top "Please be an MTO car" - not so much

Well, I pulled over and psyched myself up to talk to the cop.

Here is how the conversation went

Me: (pulls out driver's license to hand to cop)
Cop: (looks in window - doesn't even look at drivers license)(female voice) "You're Joel right?"
Me: (wierded out) "Yeah"
Cop: "I went to highschool with you"
Me: (pretending to recognize her) "Oh yeah"
Me: (to myself) "I hope she doesn't ask me if I remember her name"
Cop: "I got you doing 115"
Me: Oh Yeah (stock response)
Cop: "Try to slow down, drive carefully - have a good night"
Me: (emphatically) "Thank you"

I drove off - "PHEW!"

Me: "Maybe I'll set the cruise control now"

Falipornia

2006-09-25T11:11:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I recently spent about 10 days in San Diego for a gig with Vinyl45, so I thought I'd post a few pictures from my trip.

A lot of good things happened as a result of this trip so keep checking back here for updates

This picture kind of sums up the mood of the trip, and some of our after hour activities

"You're not actually going to take a picture, are you?"

This is how far of a walk it is from Andrew's place to Petco Park

Dr. Seuss was from San Diego - hmmmmmmm

This was the first time I've swam in the ocean

Here's the awesome band - WOOOOOO!

One of the buildings in Balboa Park - (I called it Rocky park)

This was also at Balboa park; trees grow big on the west coast.

So, in conclusion, the trip was awesome - my next post may be about how much it sucks to travel for 24 hours straight.

Later

Product Announcement #2

2006-09-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

During discussion with a couple of dudes down here in San Diego (where I've been hanging out for the last week or so) an idea for another inappropriate product came up.

Here goes

Iron on Tatoos - none of this henna tatoo crap, or the ones that you just stick on and they wash off immediately.

Hmmmmmm

New Product Announcement

2006-08-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

The other day at work I though of a completely inappropriate product.

Imagine this (and all it's implications)

An addictive laxative

hmmmmmm

Talisman Moment #3 (On pins and Needles)

2006-08-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

So, as my faithful readers know, I already harbour a deep resentment towards coveralls. This resentment was deepened further today by a rather unfortunate incident.

Those of you who are easily scarred by mental images may want to stop reading at this point.

One of the many tasks on the golf course involves mowing underneath trees and places where we can't get to with our big rough mower. Today I was mowing under a bunch of pine trees, and when you go under there a lot of pine needles tend to fall off the tree and down your back. If I was wearing a regular shirt this wouldn't be a problem because they would just fall out the bottom of my shirt, but in the coveralls they tend to gather in a very uncomfortable area.

Now, This is the piont where you will really want to stop reading.

Seriously . . .

Well it seems that one particular needle not only made it's way down my back, but it managed to get into my boxer shorts. At first I didn't really notice, butt it did start to present a problem later on.

Last chance . . .

Well, at one point I had to get off the mower and back on it, and during this process the needle somehow decided to, uh, "go north" (that's the most delicate way I can put it). Well needless to say I was in some discomfort when I remounted my mower. I made haste to the nearest bathroom facility and extricated the annoyance.

On the plus side my flatulence had a fresh pine scent.

A quick thought

2006-08-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

I recently bought Primus' album 'Antipop'. After listening to the song 'Laquerhead' it occurred to me that a lot of bands have written songs about drugs. To my knowledge Primus is the only band to have written a song about sniffing solvents.

Talisman Moment #2

2006-06-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Meredith was asking for a new Talisman Moment, so I thought I'd share one with you.

Recently the golf course workers have been issued new uniforms. Our old uniforms were a golf shirt and quick dry pants. I like this uniform, and I actually wear the pants on camping trips all the time because they're great pants.

Well, the new uniform is a set of coveralls. No offense to those of you who routinely wear coverals, but we have taken to calling them 'fag bags'. I realize that this isn't exactly PC, but it does rhyme.

There are some good things about coveralls and some bad things:

Good things:

- You don't get your clothes dirty

- You can be naked underneath

Bad things:

- You can be naked underneath

- My boss goes naked underneath - and has proven this

- All the heat from your body comes up throught the neck hole

- All the stink from your body comes up throught the neck hole

- Every time you fart . . . well, you can see where I'm going with this

- They don't show off my fabulous ass

- You can never get them to fit right

This last reason is where my next Talisman Moment comes into play. It seems that a there were no XL sizes available so I was forced to wear a large for a while. The girth wasn't a problem, but because it is a one piece the height was an issue (I'm 6'3"). The length from the inseam to the shoulder was too short so it seems that every time I stretched, the inseam pulled right up and revealed what some people refer to as a "Moose knuckle"; this is the male equivalent of the "Camel toe".

Well, it didn't take me long to realize this and within hours at least a dozen people at work saw way more of me than they had ever hoped to see.

This has been a Talisman moment.

A Talisman Moment

2006-06-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

This post will be the first in a series of 'Talisman Moments'

For those of you who don't know, I work at Talisman Mountain Resort. The Mountain part is a bit of a misnomer because it's really a valley, which may give you a little insight what this place is like from the get-go. A lot of things happen at work that we call 'Talisman Moments'.

Usually these are things that make you scratch your head and say "Why the hell would they do that?"
Usually these things also involve something going wrong that has to be fixed. Usually the ones that have to fix it are the outside maintenance department or the golf course workers, of which I am one.

Recently it was decided that one of the decorative ponds around the hotel should be stocked with Koi. This sounded like a great idea to the people that came up with it. What they failed to realize was that about 5 years ago someone else had the brilliant idea to stock the same pond with rainbow trout.

These particular trout have been living in the same small pond now for the last five years and have grown to monstrous proportions and are quite territorial. They've been know to attack people. All but two of them survive now, but our theory is that they ate the other ones and absorbed all their powers. We were waiting for one of the remaining trout to finish off the other one and become all powerful.

It looks like that is unlikely to happen for a while now though because the two remaining trout have recently gorged themselves on about $500 worth of hapless Koi.

Ciao for Niao
Junk

You know what we need more of . . . Mayflies

2006-05-31T23:11:00.000-07:00

Anyone who has travelled through the Beaver Valley recently or any time near the end of May has experienced this . . .

(To self) - is it getting cloudy up there - wait . . . what the . . .

But its too late. Your windshield is now completely coated in Mayfly carcasses.

This situation sucks, but what sucks even more is when you leave your windows open because of the apocalyptic heat, and the mayflies take this as an open invitation to invade your car and use it as the scene for a disgusting insect orgy. Of coure after mayflies mate, they die, leaving a carpet of dead mayflies all over the inside of your car.

The best part came after I brushed off the front seat of my car and got in. I closed the door causing the layer of spent insect bodies that had built up at the bottom of the window to be blown into my face. I was not impressed. One of my coworkers that winessed this was.

I'm still working on finding all the dead bugs in my car. I vaccuumed it out, but I know there are some still there and I'm sure that I will be finding them for weeks.

BALLS!

The good news is that tomorrow is the start of June, so in theory all the mayflies will be gone. Welcome Junebugs!

Ciao for Niao
Junk

What would you say?

2006-05-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a conversation when someone says something that either had a double meaning, or is just an awkward question. Well, I thought I'd post a few that I can remember happening to me.

What would you say:

(after being handed a photocopy): "I hope it's not too dark to make out"
Answer:__________

Background: My former room mate and I are grocery shopping, the clerk starts scanning our items . . .
Andrew: "Go pack that stuff up"
Cashier (knowingly): "He's awfully demanding isn't he"
Answer:__________

Background: Tomtastic likes to use the term 'groin-grabbingly' at every opportunity, A number of us are at Kelsey's, and the term is being tossed around.
My girlfriend: "Am I groin-grabbingly beautiful?"
Answer:__________
I believe The Divinyls put it best . . .

Tim Hortons girl: "Are you together?"
Joe:__________
Me:__________

Background: I spend about half of my life in the city,and the other half 'up north'. As a result I often go 'down' to the city
Any number of people: "Are you going down tonight?"
Answer:__________

Hmmm, that last one isn't exactly PG, but I seriously hear it all the time. Anyways I'd really be interested in hearing any similar stories*

*This is just my way of soliciting comments.

Poor decorating choices plague me Monday to Thursday

2006-04-24T23:11:00.001-07:00

Some people feel that they have the required skills and talent to be adventurous when they are decorating their house. The people that used to own the place where I'm staying right now do not have those skills.

I would like to point out that the current owner of the house, my friend Neil, had nothing to do with the way this place is decorated, although he is also far too lazy to make the necessary changes.

Example #1
I will start in the upstairs bathroom. There are about 8 of these tiles with the little ladybugs and whatnot on them. My problem is not with the tiles themselves but the fact that there are 8 of them. The entire shower area of the bathroom is tiled, yet there are only 8 of these particular tiles. It's kind of like they wanted the ladybug style, but didn't feel like paying for more of the ladybug tiles. It seem to me that if you are going to go for the ladybug look, you have to go all the way. This half-assed ladybuggery simply does not cut it.

Example #2
More bugs, this time stenciled. These can be found randomly scattered about the rest of the upstairs bathroom. Ok, I know I said I had no problem with the bug tiles, but really, stenciled bugs, gimme a break. Either kill some bugs and smear them on the walls or just leave it alone.

Examples #3 and #4
I don't even know where to start. Stripes (poorly painted stripes - I think they waited until the paint was dry to peel off the tape), inverted colours at the corner? What else is there to say.
Example 4 - ??????

Example #5
The first time I saw the downstairs bathroom I was in shock. This room looks like the coat check at the male strippers (I'm assuming). I was sure that the world already had too much leopard print in it, but I was unaware that this wallpaper existed. You can't see from this picture, but most of the accessories in the bathroom are cat themed. I think this picture speaks for itself. I have used this bathroom twice in the four months that I have lived here because the wallpaper makes me nervous, and any guy will tell you that it's difficult to uh, evacuate, when you're nervous. The thing that I love/fear the most about this is that it's difficult to tell where the corner of the room is because of the pattern

Well, there you go. I'm moving out of here at the end of the week, so I thought I'd share with you the poor taste that I live with four days a week.

Ciao for Niao

Alternative marketing for breast implants

2006-04-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

First off I'd like to point out that none of my links are to pictures of actual breasts so for any of you perverts* out there, I'm sure you can find other web sites that you will find more interesting.

Fake breasts are apparently very popular these days. The manufacturers are making a killing on women who feel like they need an augmentation. Some guys are totally into this, as for myself - not so much. Unfortunately there is an untapped market out there, and they are missing out on the profits. Roughly half the population isn't being marketed to, and there are women who just don't need mammoplasty, so how do you sell implants to these people?

What you need is clever marketing. I'm sure there are many uses for implants that either haven't been thought of, or their potential hasn't yet been realized. So, breast implant companies, pay attention, Oh, and by the way, I want a cut of your increased profits. I'm sure that sentence constitutes as a legally binding contract, no matter many extra apostrophes it may have.

1 - Keep one in each of your back pockets in case you have to sit on a particularily hard bench.

2 - Men - keep one in your pants to , uh, well, augment things

3 - Use them instead of Dr. Sholls

4 - Fill a big tank with them unstead of the ubiquitous 'urine balls'

5 - If you're accident prone** glue them to sharp corners and things that you might whack your noggin on.

6 - Use them as packing material when you're moving

7 - Play hockey with them in your living room without fear of putting holes in your walls.

8 - Use them as a stress ball***.

9 - stick them under your sleeves to make it look like you have huge bicepts****

10 - Freeze them and use them as ice packs

11 - The worlds most comfortable ear--muffs

12 - Fill a pillow case with them so you won't feel so lonely when you go to bed.

*Hey dude, at least I linked to you
**Yes, that one was for you Digger
***what the . . .
****Sorry, I know that's gross

Mooning (not that kind)

2006-04-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

The other night I came home and as I was getting out of my car I noticed that the moon was really, really bright, and not only that, it had this cool ring around it. I'm not sure what kind of atmospheric conditions cause this effect, all I know is that it's a spectacular sight.

I decided I had to take a picture of it, which was a difficult undertaking. Most mid-priced cameras are not designed to take this kind of photo, so it took me quite a bit of trial and error to be able to capture this. Unfortunately my lens doesn't have a wide enough angle to capture the entire ring, so you'll have to imagine what the other third of it looked like.

Keep checking back here, I have another post in the works, which may or may not be interesting - there's only one way to find out.

Ciao for Niao
Junk

Rocks Rock?

2006-04-05T23:11:00.000-07:00

It is a well known fact that a lot of the information found on the internet is either uninformed*, missing important information, or completely bogus**. This is probably true for most subjects, but something that recently came up in a conversation with The C-man (ator) (don't ask how this subject comes up in conversation - I'm still baffled). Who would post bogus information on rocks?

As far as I can tell, no one.

1. - I think this might be because people are afraid of the U.S. geological survey, those guys must have really calloused hands, I'm sure it would be really rough if they slapped you.

2. - Or it could be because rocks are really boring. It seems to me that if you are going to fabricate information about a subject, that it would be one that more than a handful of people would be interested in, such as politics, religion or most importantly - the personal lives of celebrities.

3. - Another reason might be because in order to fabricate information about rocks you have to know something about them in the first place. No one will believe a word you have to say unless you can use credible terminology. In order to have sufficient knowledge to fabricate seemingly valid facts about rocks, you will have to have studied them. But as we said before, rocks are boring, so anyone that has studied rocks must be genuinely interested in them, and would not deceive the public about such an important subject.

4. - Most people don't have that much time on their hands. Hmmm, wait a sec. Anyone reading this obviously could be doing something more productive, so they probably have extra time on their hands. I take that first part back. Anyone who is into blogging has enough time on their hands.

5. - There is already enough bogus information on other subjects that any about rocks would be swallowed up in a tidal wave of National Enquireresque stories. I realize this is a weak argument, but that was a fun sentence to write.

6.- I just invented a new word - Enquireresque - This has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but I had to point it out.

7. - I need at least seven points to have a valid list.

Well I hope this has been enlightening. I'm sure many of you have been wondering why people don't post false information about rocks on the internet. Now you can rest easily, as I have covered this subject completely with absolutely no holes in my logic.

* I know this link doesn't work, if you don't get the joke you need to watch better movies
** sorry for the obvious link

New word

2006-04-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

So, every now and then I think of a good word that has gone uninvented thus far.

Autoproctology

I came up with this word while watching some contortionist on Cirque du Soleil and I just had to share it with you. I did a quick check of Dictionary.com first to make sure it wasn't already a word. I considered doing a Google search, but I was afraid of what would come up considering what this word implies.

Although, if there are any stories involving the use of the word Autoproctology, they could prove to be quite funny.

If I come up with any more good words I'll share them with you in the future - also I welcome any of you own 'would be' additions to the English lexicon in my comment section.

Happy mental picturing!
Junk

I had to post this

2006-03-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

A little background:

In the previous day's comic Bucky (the cat) decided he would become successful by combining genres. He eventually decided on combining comics and music.

I thought this was brilliant.

(If you find the picture too small to read, just click on it)

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

2006-03-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

I'm still laughing while I'm beginning this post. Correction: Writing this post, and drinking milk that's about to turn. Anyway, I was 'surfing' and came across this little gem. I decided to read some of the reviews on Amazon.com, and found them to be hilarious.

There's not much more to say about this really.

Enjoy!

We're not alone in here!

2006-03-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

So, here I am sitting at my computer, minding my own business, thinking that the only living things in my house at the present are myself and two cats. And perhaps the plethora of insects that tend to co-habitate with people (it's gross but it's true).

Suddenly I hear this rustling from somewhere behind me. Right away, and from past experience, I knew there was a mouse scurrying around in the room somewhere. Now, this is not that uncommon when you live between two farms and have two cats, so I didn't really think that much of it. But, I also knew that it would be next to impossible to catch it with all the desks and filing cabinets in the computer room, so I decided to see where if went and find a cat to sic on it.

I heard somewhere that cats are supposed to catch mice, and one of my cats regularly brings dead ones into the house to show off to us,so I know that she has the skills. Unfortunately, cats are kind of lazy, and they only do stuff that they feel like doing at the time. (hmmmm kind of like me) So when the cat saw the mouse she kind of looked interested, but instead of pouncing on it she just kind of watched it run around the room and out a tiny 1/4 inch square hole beside the door.

Now, I'm not a cat, and I don't know that much about mouse hunting technique, but I'm pretty sure that she had a number of opportunities to pounce on the little bugger. Needless to say, I'm very disappointed in my cat, especially since she probably brought the mouse in in the first place. So, now there's a mouse loose somewhere in my house and the cats won't kill it. I'm anticipating some interesting situations, especially if it dies somewhere in the ductwork. Hopefully this post didn't bore you, this is just the kind of stuff I have to put up with around here. Also, if you're afraid of mice, I suggest you don't hang out here for a little bit

Ciao for Niao

Toys

2006-03-15T14:24:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that dudes are into toys. It is also no secret that most of these toys involve a motor of some sort. It is also no secret that it snows a lot in the C.O.G. (County of Grey)

Because of these three factors a lot of people that live up here have tractors to aid in the snow removal chores. I think that the tractor is one of the ultimate man toys. The reason for this might be that men and tractors have so much in common.

Here comes the list:

1) They're big. While not all men are as big as others, we definitely act like we are sometimes. Or at least tell others that we are to try to impress them - if you know what I mean.

2) They Stink. "I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man" Tractors - as well as men are known to emit harmful fumes quite regularily.

3) They're ugly. Unless they're Metro, most guys will admit to ugliness in some small way.

4) They make obnoxious noises. Joe . . .

5) They're low maintenance. Ok, I'm sure most of you know some dudes that aren't low maintenance, and there are a few of you out there who have been frustrated with broken tractors - but look at the big picture here.

6) They're greasy and oily. Not much to explain here.

7) They serve one main purpose. I'll leave it up to you to figure out what I mean by that. You can chose to make it dirty - or not.

8) They have great traction. Well this one doesn't apply to Tomtastic on an icy driveway. It doesn't really apply at all, but I just wanted to bring up Tom's incident the other night. By the way we used a tractor to pull him out.

9) You won't find either one in 'Le Chateau'

10) As long as they still work, they're worth keeping around.

Well, that's the end of my list. I didn't know this post would turn into this when I started typing. I guess I was just inspired because I took a picture of my dad's 'new' tractor.

Any Ideas on what to name it?

Bloggatron

2006-03-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

I would like to give a shout-out to my good friend and former roommate Andrew, who has just started his own blog. There is sure to be much hilarity and a high possibility of internet hijinx a we welcome Andrew into the blogging community. Click here if you know what's good for you.

On another topic OPSEU has officially gone on strike. So I'm going to hang out at my parents place and ski every day while the teachers are out picketing in the cold. It'll be a big hardship for me, but I think I can handle it.

My Addiction

2006-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

Over the years I've learned that I can't go into Long & Mcquade, and walk out with the same amount of money with which I entered. On Monday, I was driving by my local L&M in Brampton when it dawned on me that I need to buy some strings. I entered the store with the intention of picking up a few sets of strings. Now, any musician knows that when you enter a music store you have to browse around a bit before you get what you came for.

As I was browsing I came across these. I had been toying with the idea of purchasing a pair of studio monitors for a while, and these were a really reasonable price. I asked a few questions and walked around for a while pretending I was considering my purchase. (mostly to try to convince myself that I wasn't being so impulsive)

After a couple of minutes I asked the salesdude to set a pair of them on the front counter for me. This is when the real trouble started.

Salesdude "Is there anything else I can help you with"
Me (to myself) "Sh*t"
Me (out loud) "well . . . I see you have a used sonic maximizer sitting in that rack up front"
Me (to myself) "Shut-up idiot"
Salesdude "Let's go take a look at it"

sidebar: I have been interested in getting a sonic maximizer in my bass rig for at least 5 years and now that I'm going to be a rock star, it's easier to justify.

Me (out loud) "This one is a little out of my price range, what I'm really interested in is the 482i, you wouldn't happen to have one of those kicking around would you?"
Me (to myself) "leave now, just walk out the door while you still can"
Salesdude "Let me check"
Salesdude (from storage room) "We got one!"
Me (to myself) "BALLS!"
Me (outloud) "Might as well throw that onto my bill as well"

I made my purchases, headed out of the store, and continued on my merry way.

You might ask yourself at this point "did he buy the strings he originally went in for?"

I would answer you "no"

Here is a short list of some of my other impulse purchases at music stores

this bad boy
one of these
this one is actually quite useful
this little jewel
an actual power contitioner - Tom should have looked into his more closely
this wasn't as good as I had hoped, but still useful
this wasn't from a music store, but it was impulsive no less - thanks Joe
In retrospect, I don't really need this
I'm glad I bought this
this has been a mild back saver
Every musician should have one of these

There's more but unless you're a gear head, you're bored by now

UPDATE: If anyone would like to buy this and this for me, I would appreciate it.

This eased my life slightly

2006-02-27T21:05:00.000-08:00

Anyone who's blogging on a MAC should check out this bad boy. I'm using it right now!

update: Here's a picture of it using the screen capture widget.

Driving the bitter bus

2006-02-27T13:39:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has ever has anything stolen from them should check out this blog and be glad that you're not as bitter and verbose as the C-Manator. Although, I do realize that most of this rant is purely for comedic purposes. By the way, the air around this blog may tend to get a little blue for those of you who are easily offended. I, myself am not. I find it quite funny

Also check this out - You can listen to the tunes I recorded with the Daniel Ryan Band a last week.

Obligatory Valentines day post

2006-02-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that gets nauseous at all the Valentines day symbolism. But sometime you find a pearl among a pile of gross crustacean 'leavings'. I realize this is my second post in a row that I haven't put a whole lot of effort into, but whadda ya gonna do. Oh, by the way, if you're not a STAR WARS fan, go and watch episodes IV to VI three or four times before clicking this link.

How Jazz Works

2006-02-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

This has been circulating around the internet for a while now, but I thought I'd post it anyway just in case some of you haven't seen it. Also I've been getting a lot of complaints that I haven't posted in a while, so this will do until I can think of something interesting to say. Also taking the time to do this gives me less time to commit the sin of Onan.*

HOW JAZZ WORKS

List of Characters:

Piano:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald**. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend.

Bass:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

Drums:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him.

Saxophone:
Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds.

Trumpet:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker, depending on whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

Guitar:
Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Vocals:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine", "Summertime" and "Route 66". Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you and the rest of the audience by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."

Trombone:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality***. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

*If you get this one - Bravo!
**20 bonus points to whoever picks up this reference
*** I was trying to make a trombone/fart joke, then I found this and I had to put it in there because of the author's name.

Hell week - get used to it

2006-01-26T08:19:00.000-08:00

Next week is going to be fun - Once it's over. I have three major projects within four days. One of those projects is my final recital, which is supposed to sum up the last three years of my life. The other two are related to each other and are pretty much another final project. On top of that I have Tests in both of my night classes, and I work three days a week. Needless to say January has been difficult.

I explained this all to my private bass teacher, and he related to me the events of the past weekend which involved him flying to Paris* - Flying to Nice - driving to Cannes - checking into a hotel - doing a soundcheck - a half hour later, playing a one hour show - going out for dinner - going to the hotel - sleeping for 3 hours - checking out of the hotel - driving to Nice - Flying to Paris - Flying to Toronto. Apparently this all happened within about 72 hours and as you can see included only 3 hours of sleep. All this was surrounded by a number of late gigs and a few recording projects.

Basically what he was saying is "get used to it". If you're planning on being a professional musician there will be times like this. The difference is that he's a session player and does a lot of different gigs. I would prefer to be in a band - one gig, different locations, possibly just as busy.

This picture was taken a while ago, but I think is shows how I'm feeling right now.

*Sorry Tom, I know what you were hoping for with the Paris** link

** fine there it is

For lack of something better

2006-01-25T20:08:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a short post. I realized that a lot of people who read this probably have never met me, so I decided to post a picture of myself at my most natural. If you haven't guessed, I'm the one that looks to be in some sort of pain - or pleasure, you decide. The other fellow is one of my current room mates, and I have to say I think he looks like he's enjoying that a little too much.

I didn't know I could open my mouth that wide!

Who would make a list?

2006-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

The list is one of the fundamental things that makes us human. It is, in esscence, what makes us human. No animals have ever been documented to show this behaviour of list making, in captivity or in the wild. There was one study that apparently showed a Rheus Monkey* making what appeared to be some sort of a shopping list, but this was later disproved. It turned out that the monkey had simply been trying to solve a physics problem and the calculations had a list like appearance.

Since the invention of written language, people have been making lists. An ancient stone tablet found in a cave in the middle east has recently been translated and appears to be some sort of list that a cave woman, made up of things for her cave man to pick up on the way home. Archeological digging in the cave discovered that while the man did get most of the things on the list, he forgot the most important thing, and got the wrong brand of shampoo. This list making has evolved throughout the ages into the complex 'art form' (as some people would call it) that exists today.

There are many kinds of lists. For example:

- A 'people to kill' list/Enemies List**

- A grocery list

- A shopping list (generic)

- A 'to do' or task list

- A list of chores

- A parts list

- A mailing list

- Friedrich List

- A playlist

- A Top Ten list***

- etc.

I could go on and on about the many different types of lists, but no one's really interested. Incidentally, if anyone can think of a really good list, please leave it in my comments section.

Who would make a list, and why? There are lots of reasons people make lists

- Because they are terrible at grammar**** and point form saves them from having to put full paragraphs together

- To prove that they know more than one thing on a particular subject

- They've already been branded***** as a list maker, therefore they are doomed to make lists for the rest of their life

- They are unable to think about a subject in enough detail to write more than a sentance at a time

- For attention

- Because 'The Lydster' keeps bugging them to make another one.

- Boredom

- Because they have something to prove. (I'm not sure what this would be, but we all have something to prove, why not put it in list form)

Well, that's it for today, I think I'll go to Tim Hortons - Hey, there's another list - A price list. See, they're all around us people! We can't escape them even if we want to. I'm surprised that Orwell didn't include the proliferation of 'the list' in his bleak description of the future.

*Yes that is a monkey in a space suit.
**Makes me want to avoid the salad dressing business
***Some top ten lists are pointless and stupid, although I can't think of any off the top of my head. . .
****Yes I know the spelling is different.
*****I'll take an ear tag thanks.******
******You can never have too many asterisks

Sting + genius = Stingenius

2006-01-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

Tomtastic likes to post lyrics on his blog, and according to Nietzsche, we are all sheep - So I'm going to do the same.

Anyone who doesn't think Sting is a genius should just stop listening to music right now.

Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free
Free, free, set them free

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

If it's a mirror you want
Just look into my eyes
Or a whipping boy
Someone to despise
Or a prisoner in the dark
Tied up in chains you just can't see
Or a beast in a gilded cage
That's all some people ever want to be

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches
So many souls
With everything we see that we want to possess

If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone
You can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
You want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

If you love somebody
If you love someone
If you love somebody
If you love someone, set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free
Set them free

How are 'U'

2006-01-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't updated my blog in a while, and there are a few good reasons

1 - I was at my parents place all break and they have dial up
2 - I 'worked'* almost every day during the break, and I didn't feel like making any entries
3 - I haven't made any humorous observations about the world around me that I can remember

Except - the lack of the letter 'u' in American spellings (humour, colour, rumour, etc.) Not that I haven't known about this phenomenon for a long time, it's just something that I've been thinking about for a while. I'm sure that a lot of people think that it's because the 'u' isn't really necessary in those words.

I think they're keeping all those u's in a top secret storage facility hidden somewhere under the Rocky Mountains. As a Canadian I'm naturally suspicious of any country that has a huge 'u' surplus. The big question is, what are they going to do with all those u's.

I asked a good friend of mine who recently moved to the U.S. if she knew anything about this stockpiling of the letter 'u'. All she could tell me was that she got some information about it in a sealed envelope when she got her social security card. If she were to give me any more information the government** would come after her. Clearly there is something going on that they don't want the rest of us to know about. I'm not sure how all the American People are able to keep this secret - maybe it's like the ending of The Sixth Sense that for some reason everyone who watched it kept a secret.

There are only a few reasons that I can think of for a Nation to stockpile 'U's

1 - Some sort of a U-boat, not the kind that the Germans built, but an actual boat made from 'U's. A 'U' is already the right shape for a boat, so all they would have to do is stack a bunch of them side by side. A boat made from thousands of 'U's would be unstoppable, it would also be a lot cheaper to build than a conventional boat.

2 - A U-bomb. This is not quite the same as an H-bomb. It would be far less destructive, but no one would expect it. This is also nothing like an F-bomb, which Chuck is quite fond of.

3 - They're planning to sell them to U2 as some sort of promotion that I don't understand

4 - To confuse me. Not anyone else. Just me. I'm not sure why they feel it's necessary to confuse me, but I'm sure that I'm the only one.

* For those of you who don't know me, I work as a ski instructor in the winter, which some people don't think is real work
** In case you didn't figure this one out- she lives in California

The machines are taking over! Or are they . . . yes they are.

2005-12-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

So, I was at Sherway Gardens today. For those of you who aren't from Toronto, Sherway is probably one of the classiest malls in the country. They have leather club chairs where most malls have those wooden benches, or worse. Anyway, I went to the food court and got some Arby's* (They may be classy, but not too classy to have an Arby's), which was good. All through my meal I kept hearing this intermittent mechanical hum, I wasn't quite sure what it was. When I was finished eating I put my garbage in the garbage can. Then the garbage can starts talking to me - "Thank you for shopping at Sherway Gardens" or something like that, I don't remember exactly what it said because I was still in shock. After I threw out my food, the garbage can made a sort of whirring sound. I can only assume it was compacting the garbage. The automatic compacting garbage can seems like a good idea, but does it have to talk to me. I was with my buddy Chuck at the time, and he happened to be using an adjacent garbage can. I looked over at him and he had the same look of awe/disgust on his face that I can only assume I had. Is this what the world has come to? Talking garbage cans? Throwing out garbage is one of those tasks that you just want to do quickly and get it over with. You don't want some machine thanking you for using it. It's kind of like when guys use a public** washroom, it's all business - no talking, just get in, take care of business, and get out. If anyone talks to you, you almost feel violated. That's how I felt when the garbage can talked to me, violated. It was almost like getting my personal space raped. I don't know if anyone else out there has experienced this kind of thing, but if you have I'm sure you can relate. And if you happen to be shopping at Sherway, check out the talking garbage cans***, but be warned - You will be violated, and not in a good way.

I'm going to go take a few showers now because I still feel dirty
Junk

*kudos if you get this reference
**this is almost as wrong as this
***I don't want any comments about how R2-D2 doesn't actually talk, just accept the joke for what it is

By the way, I always wanted to know how to tie a bow tie - now my blog is educational!

Working Soooo Hard (wink)

2005-12-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on a really nice leather couch in a studio near Rochester, New York as I write this. Daniel Welch, a singer/songrwiter that I'm working with right now is laying down some organ tracks on what will hopefully become a single. The King of Tone and Brad have left already, but I decided to stick around until Monday (and do some Christmas shopping) and just hang out in the studio while Dan adds some more tracks. Also, I'd get home really late (to an empty apartment no less), so I may as well just stick around. Any musician/gearheads that are reading this can appreciate that I'm enjoying just sitting here watching the computer screen. Mike, the engineer on this project is really good, so it's facinating to watch him manipulate all the comtrols and all the crap that's going on, on the computer screen. Well that's all I've got for now, hopefully my next post will have a new conspiracy theory or something that will make you chuckle.

Here is a picture of the most Phallic building in Rochester. It's pretty good, but Toronto's wang is bigger

Keep your eye on left field that's where all the weirdest stuff comes from
Joel

2005-12-06T16:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that the people who always win hotdog eating contests are not the bloated, greasy, amorphous blobs that we usually associate with eating contests? The winners are more often that not, quite skinny. The most well known example of this is of course the legendary Takeru Kobayashi, whose name is almost a household word by know. Takeru Kobayashi has become synonymous with hotdogs ever since he started dominating the world of competitive eating. Think about it, how many times have you been at the deli when someone brings up a story about the famed Kobayashi? I know it happens to me on a regular basis, usually resulting in a heated debate on whether or not he could out-eat superman. I think he could, but only by a slim margin. Sure Superman probably has the gastrointestinal fortitude to compress 50 hotdogs into a quantum singularity, or if not that, at least into a ball close to the density of a neutron star, but Kobayashi has style. I mean look at that bandana. If superman tried to pull off a look like that, he'd be laughed right out of the superpeople's union, then he'd have to do all the mundane jobs that unionized superheros don't have to do because of the union reg's. Also I hear the superhero's union has great dental. So now superman has to start charging people when he saves them in order to pay for his kid's braces.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this

You can't?

What I'm trying to say is that more people (except Superman of course) should be wearing bandanas. If Kobayashi can pull it off why can't you, and more importantly, why haven't you tried already. It almost angers me to think of how many people could be enjoying bandanas but aren't, simply because they haven't thought of it.

here are some people that enjoy bandanas

- The Karate Kid

- bikers (some of them even have leather bandanas)

- The Bloods and the Cripps

- Axel Rose

- some guy's golden labrador that I saw in the park

- most gangsta rappers

I just realized I'm typing this while on T-3's I'm not even going to read it over, I'm just going to post it and hope for the best.

This has been Joel's 'stream of thought' writing experiment while on pain killers

Chuck Norris - Demigod?

2005-12-06T10:37:00.000-08:00

The purpose if this post is to introduce you to some little known facts about Chuck Norris. It is already well known that Mr. Norris has skills beyond those of mere mortals, but these facts will remove all doubt of his superiority.

Also I don't feel like typing up an enitre post today, so this is a substitute.

Click here

The amazing thing about this is that Tomtastic turned me on to this web page via a comment on my last post literally in the same minute that my friend La-Nai told me to check it out. I think Chuck Norris was somehow compelling me to learn more about his awesomeness.

P.S. I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday, I should have just gotten Chuck Norris to remove them with a precision roundhouse kick. It would have been much more accurate

This Will Happen

2005-12-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

This is the scene of our impending doom, as I described it last week. This picture was digitally extracted from my mind using technology*.
Note the destruction - do you see it? - destruction?

*This technology does not actually exist

Death from slightly above

2005-12-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has driven north from Shelburne recently probably has noticed the huge windmills looming ominously over the countryside. At first I thought they were cool, and they are definitely better than burning coal. But soon I got to thinking, maybe there's another, more sinister reason for them to be there. I watched war of the worlds recently; there is a scene where you see dozens of these large three legged machines razing a city. There is an obvious physical resemblance between these three legged machines and the three bladed windmills. Now, I'm not saying that someday these windmills are going to rise up against humanity. . . or am I?
Imagine the damage they could do.

The attack would start when the windmills engage the rockets that are obviously hidden in the towers, and the windmills (hereafter referred to as Deathmills) would cruise around wiping out entire towns in a matter of minutes. The razor sharp blades would not only slice apart anything unlucky enough to be caught in their way, but when the deathmill redirects power to spin its blades, it could blow down all but the strongest of buildings. These blades are huge people! Here is a picture to give you an idea of the scale.
There are thousands of these thing all over the world, they could easily pacify even the most powerful army.

That's not even the scariest part.

The deathmills are all controlled by a secret underground organization run by an evil triumvirate of these three people 1,2,3.
Jimmy Carter seems so non-threatening, but I think he's got something to hide. We would be helpless against the combined powers and phat rhymes of the triumvirate.

Within 12 hours the world would be in a panic, most of the major power generating stations would be off-line due to the enormous power surge the deathmills would create just before the attack. FEMA would kick into high gear, making a terrible disaster . . . at least no worse than it is already.

24 hours into the attack most of the worlds major cities will have fallen, except Ottawa because the attackers will assume that Toronto is the Canadian capitol. Governments will become disorganized (wink). and there will be pandemonium in the streets.

By 36 hours into the attack most people in major population centers will be dead and the deathmills will start sweeping the globe to destroy the remaining people that have managed, up until this point, to escape detection. After a short sweep the deathmills will congregate in about 50 different locations around the globe and use their wind generating abilities to blow the warmer air near the surface into the upper atmosphere creating devastating storms, which would paralyze the remaining human resistance to the machines.

By 48 hours into the attack all hope would be lost were it not for a unlikely band of demographically diverse teenagers who accidentally stumble upon the machines one and only weakness. Which coincidentally has also been known to defeat Pterodactyls.

The world will be safe from attack for the time being, but the damage will already have been done. The earth will need to be repopulated (the teenagers should have no problem with that), and primitive societies will rise and fall as humans begin to spread once again over the face of the earth.

These events may seem like the ramblings of an idiot to many people, but when the attack comes will you be ready?

You know that feeling . . .

2005-11-30T09:52:00.000-08:00

. . . where your brain is trying to escape your skull by forcing it's way out your eyesockets? I had that yesterday. And to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would succeed in exiting my body, granting me the sweet release of death. This crippling headache messed up my inner ear too making me all dizzy and confused. I didn't even turn on my computer for about 24 hours, which for those of you who know me, is pretty unusual. Apparently I also didn't notice when I spilled grapefruit juice on my cell phone. Anyone else who caught this bug can appreciate what I'm talking about. I guess that's all for now, I'm going to get back to ingesting plenty of fluids. If you have suffered from this bug you can leave a comment and I'll sympathize with you, And if you haven't - "Up your nose with a rubber hose"

Would I be happier with a bigger TV . . . Yes I would

2005-11-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

I realize it's been a little while since my last post, but here's the thing - I've been at my parents place since Friday and they only have dial-up - SLOW. I remember when we got our first 2400 baud modem. This was before most people had heard of the internet. In fact, the internet as we know it today didn't even really exist, if you wanted to check out a particular BBS (bulletin Board system - kind of like a website), you had to dial it's telephone number. Also, there wasn't really anything worth checking out anyways. But, I digress, the point of this entry it to explain how I would be happier with a bigger TV.

- First of all, I don't even have a TV in my apartment in T.O., so I think that in order to maximize my TV intake I need a bigger one at my parents place. Somehow I feel this will make up for not watching TV Monday through Thursday. The larger the surface area of the screen, the more of that wonderful radiation will penetrate ( ha - penetrate) my eyeballs. By the way, this is the only thing I want to penetrate my eyeballs. I'm looking at you Chuck - next time you come over, leave the shank at home.

- Second, I like my TV loud*. There are some people out there that might argue that the size of the screen has nothing to do with the volume of the Television. Those people would be wrong.

- Thirdly, it has been scientifically proven** that for every inch you are away from the screen, it needs to be one inch bigger, or a 1:1 ratio. This is known as the golden ratio. Once again I'm sure that there are people that will argue with me. I'm sure that some prima-donna mathematicians will try to tell me that the golden ratio is closer to 1:1.61803398874989484820458683436563811772 . . .
These people are just trying to show off.

- Fourthtasticaly, for legal reasons I feel it is important to be able to read the legal line at the bottom of car commercials clearly. If I'm out on a test drive in a Mazda 6, I want to know if I can do that thing where they drive sideways across the desert kicking up a lot of dust without fear of reprisal. On a larger TV it would be easier to read that line.

- Fifth. The larger the TV, the more friends you will have. For every square inch of screen area, you will gain one more friend. This is known as the golden ratio.

- Sixth (I love saying sixth) My power consumption is too low. I'm not sure how many mega-watts I use in a year, but If I had a bigger TV, I wouldn't need to know. I'd need to know how many tera-watts I used, and isn't that really the measure of a man?

- Seventh (not as fun to say) I'm pretty sure that most big TVs have an aspect ratio of 16:9. This is known as the golden ratio. The bigger my screen is, the more of that sweet, sweet golden ratio will be in my room. I'm sure this will have a positive effect on my well being.

- Lastly (some would say finally - in an exasperated tone) I think big TVs are cool

Let the shallowness of this web log (don't click if you have a weak stomach) forever haunt your dreams

*"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaaaaming!" - Homer J. Simpson ep. 4F11
**This has not been scientifically proven

Don't read this

2005-11-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

As I sit here in the crepuscular gloom of my empty apartment, I think back to better times. Times when in order to cross the room I had to avoid a club chair and a coffee table, not to mention two other people. You know the high pitched whine that a CRT Television makes; I miss that. I thought it wouldn't be so bad living in an empty apartment by myself for two weeks, and it wouldn't have been so bad if I could just sit on a couch or something, but I'm pretty sure I'm slowly going mad. My only solace is watching Futurama episodes that I've downloaded (luckily one of my neighbours has wireless internet, and didn't think to set a password for it). I have learned something from this though.

Camping chairs are really only comfortably when your camping.

Those of you who know me might have figured out that my only real reason for writing this post was to use the word crepuscular.

Another lits - a disappointingly unfuny post

2005-11-22T14:05:00.000-08:00

So,aparently I've already become pegged as a guy who makes lists. The Lydster recemntly challenged me to make a new list of unfortunate mispellings and typos - so here goes

1 - How bad is this?

2 - This is kimd of interesting I guess, maybe, . . . who cares

3 - Here's a pet peeve of mine. When peple put up adds at school looking for a Base player. These people are usually vocalists (sorry but it's true)

4 - Tomtastic's comment on my Nov 16 post.

5 - I lookid up funny misspellings on google and it's a virtual wasteland out there. Try ti sometime, it's rerally disapointing.

6 - Here's something interesting thoug

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulacty unesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmeneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitlll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcusease the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

7 - I give up, sorry Lydster. I'll keep my eye open for any funny tyops though

I have to go now. The guys are here to install the hardwood flooring and neon Lights for my roller disco.

I miss lamp.

2005-11-21T11:46:00.000-08:00

Well, I dropped Andrew and Meredith off at the airport today. We somehow managed to get 2 guitars, an 88 key electric piano, a trumpet, a duffel bag roughly the size and texture of Andrew, 2 backpacks, 2 sleeping bags, and three other pieces of miscelaneous luggage, as well as the three of us in my sunfire* (also knows as the S-Fire!, or the S-box). The scene*** at the airport was kind of funny as we removed all the luggage from the car and piled it on the sidewalk. As I am writing this they are probably on their way to San Diego** ("California, beautiful").

So, now all that's left in my apartment is:

1 - Me

2 - My luxurious recliner

3 - My bed and night table

4 - A jar of olive oil, a bottle of vegetable oil, and some balsamic vinegar (If only I could score some lettuce)

5 - Two of my guitars that I set in the middle of the office to make it look not so empty.

6 - Various bathroom things

7 - A phone book

8 - Tonight's dinner

Not that I'm complaining. Now I have so much floor space that I can do with as I please, and my folding camping chair looks so much bigger without "real" furniture around. Maybe someone could leave me some comments on what I could do with my floorspace. I know Stewie would have a sexy party!

Well, that's enough for now I guess. I think I'll get back to my dinner

* what a waste of money - They must have photoshopped in the smoke
** also known as a this's 'You know what'
*** when I was looking up pictures of 'clown car', I got a lot of pictures of the Smart Four-Two

2005-11-17T09:47:00.000-08:00

Even though I just started my blog, I apparently already have a number of faithful readers. I will try to keep posting semi-regularly so as not to disappoint.

Lately I've been noticing that there are a lot of people in Toronto who aren't rich, but seem to think they are. They try to exercise their powers of richness over mere mortals like you and I. (I'm assuming that none of the people who are interested in what I have to say are rich) This got me wondering. "I wonder if there are people out there who don't know that they are rich?" I wondered.

To help out those people I've decided to compile a list of ways that you can tell if you're are indeed ridiculously wealthy.

1 - If you don't think a diamond encrusted power-bar is excessive

2 - If your idea of personalizing your car isn't adding a tacky aluminum wing. Instead you have your driver change his name to better suit the car. "Oh 'Jimmy Two-tone Vee-twelve' would you please warm up the Maybach?"

3 - You have all the names of your servants memorized. (It wasn't hard - You memorized all the names and capitols of all 50 states when you were in grade school, so you just had them each servant pick one to change their name to.)

4 - You have three servants named Ohio

5 - Tennessee Ernie Ford is your butler.

6 - You can afford to have Tennessee Ernie Ford brought back to life.

7 - You don't like to wash your socks, so you wear a new pair every day.

8 - You don't like to wash your Lear-Jet.

9 - You have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn

10 - You have an Island for sale in Manhattan

11 - You don't slurp the last little bit of Root-beer from the bottom of your take-out cup

12 - You think this guy needs to take the 'bling' up a couple of notches

Well, that's all I have time for today. Hopefully I won't be so bored as to post every day, but as many of you know, I don't have a life. Feel free to add comments on other ways to tell if you're rich. Hopefully they give me a larf.

that's all
Junk

13 - If your country estate is roughly the same size shape and location of England

Boxes Boxes Everywhere

2005-11-16T16:31:00.000-08:00

So, has anyone ever seen what 45 of these looks like in an 800 square foot apartment. I have. I'm looking at them right now. (well not 'right now', but as I am writing this) As you now know (if you read my last post), my roommates are Moving to San Diego as a result I get to see what is involved in the process of shipping one's belongings to the U.S. Here are some things I have learned while watching Andrew and Meredith slowly go insane while packing up all their stuff

Interesting fact #1 - If you're shipping DVDs you have to fill out a separate form for each one describing it (Andrew and Meredith have over 50 DVDs, that means over 50 forms). Apparently this is to discourage sending media with 'questionable' (read:illegal) content.

Interesting fact #2 - it's kind of fun overestimating the value of your belongings for insurance reasons.

Interesting fact #3 - cardboard boxes are pretty strong, but they would be stronger if they were a triangle.

Interesting fact #4 - I CAN'T FIND ANYWHERE TO SIT!

Interesting fact #5 - Andrew gets really startled when he accidentally steps on this stuff

Interesting fact #6 - You can't ship a microwave in it's original box. You have to take it out and re-box it

Interesting fact #7 - Styrofoam peanuts taste like . . . well . . . not peanuts.

interesting fact #8 - Andrew and Meredith have filled out roughly a pound of paperwork

Interesting fact #9 - The guy at the cardboard box store is creepy. He suggested they have a bubble wrap fetish party when they get to San Diego

Interesting fact #10 - most of these facts, while true, are not interesting

So here's my advice to those of you planning to ship a lot of your belongings to the U.S. - Sell everything. Buy new crap when you get there

Finally a good use for the internet

2005-11-15T17:53:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to get on this whole blog bandwagon it seems to be the thing to do. And not because Tomtastic is doing it. I'm actually doing it because my roommates are moving here and they are selling all their stuff - including the TV. Therefore, I have a lot more free time on my hands. I've had to come up with things to keep myself occupied. Here's a list of things I've come up with to keep from getting too bored.

1 - I do this anyway, but now I do it more.
2 - Download TV shows to watch (gotta get my TV fix).
3 - homework
4 - play Porrasturvat
5 - do this again
6 - read intelectual materials
7 - and of course this

I'm sure many of you have better ideas, and I would welcome your input as long as it doesn't involve this, I think you know what I mean. Well I think I'll get back to something more interesting now.

Keep your eye on left field - that's where all the wierdest stuff seems to come from